Empathies et vérités

Nous sommes souvent en situation de crise dans ma famille, crises liées directement ou indirectement à ma maladie. Après avoir réfléchi sérieusement à ce problème, j’en ai conclu qu’il s’agissait de la perception de notre propre empathie et de notre propre vérité et de l’incapacité, d’inverser les rôles dans les deux sens. Des deux. Mais honnêtement, il est impossible de demander à une personne normale de se mettre à la place d’un bipolaire, donc l’exercice en soit est futile. Ce fait aggrave les crises et résout rarement les problèmes actuels. Il en résulte que les problèmes non réglés persistent et polluent l’environnement au foyer et ajoutent une couche de problèmes récurrents inutiles.
Ce que je crois fermement, c’est que nous sommes tous convaincu de notre propre vérité et réalité, que nous la ressentons et vivons. Aussi, nous sommes entièrement empathiques envers les autres. Mais la réalité « réelle » doit être différente puisque ces crises se produisent trop souvent.
Je sais depuis que ma maladie est fatigante, voire épuisante, pour ma femme et mes deux adolescents. On m’a dit que mes sauts d’humeur, mon irritabilité, mon incapacité d’anticiper ce qui doit être fait, mon incapacité à gérer mes deux garçons, ne pas être présent, actif et connecté avec la famille (je passe la grande majorité de mon temps dans mon bureau à la maison), le fait que je ne me souviens pas de ce qui m’a été demandé et la liste continue.
Objectivement, je pense que tous les points énumérés ci-dessus sont légitimes. Malheureusement, je ne suis pas capable de gérer certains de ces points. Je crois être empathique envers ma famille, mais j’ai le sentiment qu’ils ne le ressentent pas. D’après moi, je fais de mon mieux.
Ces affrontements sont très douloureux et éprouvants pour moi et doivent l’être pour eux aussi, je ne sais pas comment les éviter peut-être que je ne réalise pas les dégâts que je crée quand je parle et les actes que je fais ou pas. Mais de mon point de vue, je n’ai fondamentalement rien à me reprocher, car j’ai la ferme impression de faire tout ce que l’on me demande, mais d’après ma famille, ce n’est pas le cas.
Ils expriment leurs mécontentements et à quel point il est difficile de vivre avec moi, ils font de leur mieux pour rendre la situation vivable et paisible. Je les crois quant à l’empathie qu’ils prétendent avoir pour moi.
Mon énigme est ; comment puis-je m’améliorer la situation ? J’ai 53 ans et suis suivi par des psychiatres depuis 1992, je possède un tas d’outils efficaces qui m’ont étés donnés par mes médecins en cours de route. Je suis bien informé et conscient de ma maladie. Néanmoins, nous sommes tous incapables de fonctionner correctement au sein de la cellule familiale.
Pour résumer, nous avons deux légitimes vérités et empathies pour un même évènement. Comment réconcilier les deux ?
Ma question est la suivante : que puis-je faire pour améliorer la dynamique de ma famille ? Je me réjouis de lire vos commentaires, idées, et suggestions.
Lawrence Illoc

14 thoughts on “Empathies et vérités

  1. Unfortunately you will NEVER be able to have a truly stress-free, totally understanding relationship with your partner or children. Not for you, not for them.
    The only thing you, and they, can do is “weather the storm”.

    There will always be frustration and angry with other/s. Things will be said and done that hurt the other/s.
    You don’t mean it of course. They don’t mean it.
    None of you want it to be that way, you love then and they love you.

    They will attempt to understand you, your demon, if they are in it for the “long haul”. Read books and websites. Listen to documentaries. Research, research, research.
    Unfortunately no matter what an *other* does, no matter how emphatic and understanding they are toward you, the situation, they will NEVER truly understand. That lack of true understanding always causes issues and arguments either indirectly or directly.

    I can’t really offer advice, just commiserate with you.
    I don’t think I’ve ever had a relationship with another person that WASN’T broken like myself. (Not counting acquaintances and work ‘mates’ out there in the outside world).
    A relationship with another broken person is just as destructive, if not more so, than a relationship with someone that is normal.

    For us, with our broken wings and wonky head, any kind of relationship is a problem.

    I can’t comment on how to navigate the minefield of being friends with, or loving, a normal person. It is not something I have had experience with.

    Being in a relationship with a broken person is ALWAYS going to be destructive to anyone involved. It is an unfortunate side effect of the illness.

    You can be like me, become a hermit. Make no real life lasting connections outside the internet so that you don’t hurt other people, so they don’t hurt you. OR you can do what you are currently doing.

    The only thing I can say is that you should all be open and honest with each other.
    Talk about arguments when you have calmed down.
    Talk about annoyances. What sets you off, what sets them off.
    Most importantly, make sure emotions in the household are NOT a negative thing to be hidden. Emotions, feelings, MUST be shared. (Much easier said than done, I know. ~laughs~)

    All you can do is TRY to understand them.
    All they can do is TRY to understand you.
    After all, you met each other – fell in love with them, and they with you, for a reason.
    Children followed because of that bond. There MUST be something between of two if you if more than one child is involved.

    Honestly, it sounds as if your wife is a brilliant, beautiful woman. That fact she STAYED with you after all the problems reared their ugly head is testament to the type of person that she is. She sounds like a keeper! ~smiles happily for you~ Well done at finding her!

    All you can do at the end of the day is love and support them in your own weird, annoying, frustrating way, as they do the same for you in their weird, annoying, frustrating way. ~smiles with a chuckle~

    Through the bad times, and the good, as long as you are all open and honest with each other.
    That there is SOME attempt at understanding on BOTH sides of the fence, no matter how small that understanding is, then you get there.
    It will NEVER be easy, but life was never made to be easy.

    Right, really need to go now.

    Hope your day/night is a good one. ~waves~

    Cami

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Short one, kinda. ~laughs~

        Please, take your time.

        As you have seen, I can ramble on…
        and on….
        and on!
        ~rolls eyes in mock annoyance at myself, letting out a mock exasperated sigh before laughing~
        Not just in a journal entry but in comments as well. Very few people can keep up after more than a week or two.
        Both reading and writing can take up A LOT of time.
        When I was much younger it used to annoy me greatly that I wrote a missive to someone only to get a paragraph, a single sentence, in return. These days I understand that few people are natural writers, or readers.

        If you respond, you respond. If you don’t, you don’t.
        Simple.
        No mess, no fuss.
        I won’t think any less of you if you don’t write back, EVEN if I don’t hear from you ever again.

        So please Lawrence…
        Don’t ever feel you NEED to reply to any comment that I have written to you.
        Don’t feel guilty if you have not responded in a timely manner. (This ain’t Wall Street, nothing needs to be ‘brought & sold’ right this minute before the stock crashes! ~laughs~)

        It is nice to connect to others that understand, other writers especially, but as an empath, that correspondence can be draining even online if one is not careful. It can turn into a chore.
        Even I get tired of writing, of people after a while and need my *alone* time.

        So my fellow Broken Wing, write when you have time. Write when you want to…
        Or don’t.

        You life, YOU, your family and what is going on on your side of the screen will always be MORE important than some random stranger on the internet.

        And with that, I’m off.

        Hope that your night is as good as it can be. Try not to think (or drink) too much.

        ~waves and wanders off~

        Cami

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Hello Ashe,
    I’m back on earth, at least I think so…I did drink too much. I cannot do things in moderation even at 53, it’s all or none.
    First, I am told old to do anything I don’t want to. Chatting with you is a REAL pleasure. I can relay to your articles so much, it’s quite incredible. To me you make a s… load of sense.
    Second, Me too I’m a big talker, love to write in my broken English but people understand what I’m trying to say which is all that matters. I need to express myself in any way I can. It’s stronger than me and therapeutic.
    Third, you’re right on one issue, which is bad for me, as I treat stuff in general as if I was still on Wall Street. I guess I miss it somehow.
    Fourth, your message made me think a lot about my family dynamics, even though my initial reaction was negative, I now firmly believe that you’re right. It’s refreshing to have someone who is not afraid to tell you things as they are and not what you want to hear. For that, I thank you a lot.

    I have a ton of respect for you and the way you handle and handled your life.
    You’re a fighter
    Please carry on writing, I won’t get tired of it for sure
    Peace and serenity.

    Like

    1. Howdy Lawrence, ~waves~

      Was a little quite there, sorry. Need me time and desperately needed sleep.

      Ahhh sorry you lost what you had written. That always sucks! It has happened to me hundreds of times over the years and it angers me every single time! I do try and write anything that will be more than a few sentences in the drafts in my email. That way it is saved, or some of it is, if something happens.
      It’s not infallible though, I still forget to use the email program, like now. -oops-

      Hope you didn’t get too angry, do anything too silly.

      True, once we reach adulthood we all think it’s great – no one can tell us what to do anymore. ” “WooHoo! Fight the authority!”
      I, personally, believe that something must be forced on someone. It will never work, never have the desired effect of course, but I think the action of being forced to do something will teach a person a lesson. It might take years for that lesson to sink in, but it will.
      Take parents for example. We hate the restrictions put on us as a child. As an adult, we finally understand what we hated as a child. Find that it was good for us. If one becomes a parent, you do what you hated to your child in an attempt to steer them in the right direction.

      Aww thank you, Lawrence, it has been a pease chatting to you too. Always nice to meet another person that can write the hind legs off a horse.
      I think your english is fine. Absolutely nothing wrong with it.

      If you enjoyed your time working then it will always be missed if it stops. You have had one mindset for a number of years, it is hard to change that mindset when you have walked away.

      The truth of anything always hurts, causes negative emotions and reactions. If we hear that truth from people we know (like doctors/psychs), or from those we care about (family/friends), nine times out of ten we will ignore it. In our heads, we know they are right, but we always think we know better. It is our head, our demon after all. Who knows it better than ourselves?
      For some reason talking to a stranger that does not know us will always bring those truth crashing home. Home truths from a stranger seem to hit us so much harder.
      For some reason, a stranger gives us a type clarity that our family and friends will not. It has happened to me, my words have had that effect on a couple of other. This is why I believe an open dialogue in sites like this will help any person that takes the time to *listen*.

      You are most welcome. I am glad that my words were able to make you see/learn something. That they gave you an epiphany. I hope that understanding helps you heal going forward and makes your family unit that little bit better. ~smiles happily~

      Thank you for your kind words. I think I messed up my life pretty darn good, but hey. That’s the whole point of life, isn’t it? ~laughs~

      OKies, I’m off.

      Hope that you’ve been ok Lawrence. I’m here somewhere if you need an ear to talk/rant to.

      I hope that your day/night is a pleasant one.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Ok I have my page open and have a translation tool. Assuming google translates them properly. ~laughs~

    Up the top, we have MY SITE [Mon site] and READER [Lecteur].

    Click ‘My Site’. Look down that list on the left hand side.

    Under the heading ‘Manage’ [Gérer], the last button should be ‘Comments’ [Commentaires]. Click that.

    Here you will find every comment written on your journal.

    Under each comment is a list of actions you can take with every comment. Not only your comments, but another person’s as well.
    Approve. Spam. Trash. Like. EDIT. Reply.
    Or.
    Approuver. Spam. Poubelle. Comme. MODIFIER. Répondre.

    Just use Edit to edit my post. Then TRash all the following ones!

    Hope that was clear enough. I can take screen shots if you’re still having a bit of trouble.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. ~looks confused~ Hmm I do.

    ~lightbulb moment~ Ohh why did I post on the French version! It was an accident. I had both copies open, this one translated. I just comment on the one that I had been reading.

    Liked by 1 person

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