Through the therapy which led me to be diagnosed as a Bipolar; we found out that I was already dealing with this illness from the age of 12 years old, or so.
Intellectually I was gauged to be way ahead of my time but emotionally it was exactly the opposite.
Eleven years ago, when my mother was very ill, (cancer’s final stage), she decided to share with me, what had happened during my teenage years and which was unknown to me. She didn’t want to keep this away from me anymore as her days were numbered. She passed away a year later.
She gave me quite a lot of information to digest bearing in mind that I wasn’t aware of my illness yet. My mother was told by doctors that I was “super gifted” kid who was emotionally retarded, which would explain some behaviors that I’ll relay to you in a bit. She confessed that she didn’t really believe what the doctors had to say or did not want to face reality. She also mentioned to me her feeling of being powerless and not knowing what to do, where to put me; also we probably would have not being able to afford it. Apparently, they were no school available for me. Let’s not forget that it took place in the seventies when we knew even less than we do now. She didn’t want to accept these facts despite my very high grades in school.
What I hid from her was my overall self-destructive behavior. The grades were achieved without efforts or study, (not bragging), the reason I am mentioning it, is to watch out for this type of behavior in case you have a teenager whom grades are starting to plummet after being always quiet unusually high. This is exactly what had happened to me.
During the ages of 12 through 15 years old, I was bored and couldn’t relay to anybody. I didn’t fit, I was uncomfortable around my classmates. I felt inferior and fragile. At fourteen I had the body of a man already and was extremely fit. My mother thought that immersing me in several sporting activities would keep me out of trouble; if she had only known. I took advantage of my physical stature and became a bully otherwise I would have been bullied, “the best defense is to attack”.
.The expression, “an idle/bored mind is the Devil workshop” could not be a better suited for the “Dark Side”. My first experience with the “Dark Side” started as follows. Some people, foreign to the school, heard of me and then monitored my behaviors in middle school and finally approached me. I started to mix with the wrong older crowd belonging to a Motorcycle Club (MC). They were the first group of people that I could or wanted to relay to. I felt secure, protected and empowered by the Club. The first real battle in between my angels and demons had started. The demons quickly won this first battle. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I had no psychiatric help or any other type of support. The Club made me feel important and needed. My behavior became worse and more violent.
I believe the “Dark Side” becomes active and fertile when I am in a slight mania or hypomania. This is when I start to get attracted to the underworld, having dark thoughts but not suicidal.
The Dark Side always led me to some sort of disaster or destruction and definitely depression.
Back to my story; I manage to make so many enemies who, finally decided to get back at me. And to get back at me, they certainly did, as cowards, in an organized group. They beat me up, almost to death, I was in a coma but not for long. I was disfigured and my skull was cracked in the back. This event was on the front page of a local newspaper.
My stay in the hospital was lengthy but I don’t remember how long exactly. I’ve one vivid memory that stuck with me; the nurse used to come every hour to check if I was alive. I suffered a great deal both physically and mentally. I wasn’t allowed to see anybody, I was forbidden to look at myself in the mirror in order to avoid another layer of trauma. The potential repercussions on my life were very serious such as epilepsy and others but I managed to fully recover. I wasn’t allowed to watch TV for 6 months, I was forbidden to read for 3 months and I had to stay in the dark for a month. I am blessed by the universe, it wasn’t my time yet.
I had along the course of my life other close calls with death in dodgy situations; all due to what I call the “Dark Side”, where the demons outnumber the angels.
I hope that my testimony will help some family or individual by being alert to the signs and avoid to have a similar experience as I just shared.
Peace and serenity