Crash Landing.

Bipolarity definitely helped my career as you probably read in my two previous posts. But it did end it abruptly and painfully.

I firmly believe that you can have a successful career throughout your life and use all of your bipolar assets, but in order for this to happen, you have to be followed by a psychiatrist on a regular basis, at least once a month and take your medicine religiously, if you need any of course.

I am tempted to say that bipolarity is a double edge sword. If one doesn’t use it with caution it can kill you as it killed me.

My big problem was that I didn’t know about my bipolarity. I had my ups and downs but I wasn’t really keeping track of them. Especially since I was so busy working, at least 12 hours a day. I didn’t have time to reflect. Once I reached home, I was so tired and my brain was totally fried, all I wanted to do is eat and sleep.

In retrospect, I think that I was working so hard in order to escape reality.

It had been like this during my all career. I also had the same abnormal behavior with my hobbies and my private life. Everything had to be done right away with maximum speed or nothing. I drove like a maniac whether it was on motorcycles or by cars. I was and still am extreme in everything I do.

All of this with one purpose, escape reality.

My reality, the one that I am living now, broke, covered with debts. Filled with anxiety, rages, fears, demons and angels fighting constantly. Unknowingly, this is what I was running away from. You can’t escape it forever, it will catch up with you and you will have to face it in order to get back to some sort of normalcy.

Back to my career.

The downside of having taken all these activities on top of my job, took a serious toll on me. Looking back, with what I know now. I was clearly in a manic phase while all of this was happening. Near the end, I started to become aggressive, having violent rages in the office, once I turned over one of my colleague’s desk as she didn’t want to sign off on some project of mine.

I became totally out of control.

Calling for general meetings with the executives and the staff roasting them one after the other.No wonder they were nice to me, they were scared and I mistook it for respect. I was constantly fighting with everybody including clients, which was a big no, no. I withdrew myself in a private office, closed the door as I couldn’t bear to see my colleagues’ faces.

The final straw was when I got into a major fight with a very big and high profile client. He threatened me to close his account and I called his bluff, he became absolutely furious and requested apologies from me which I told him he will never get any at any cost and time. I was beside myself and took off, left the bank and went home. This was the last time I saw the office. This incident went all the way to the partners and strangely enough, backed me up as they knew the client to be extremely difficult to deal with.

My wife saw the condition that I was in when I reached home and took me straight away to the psychiatrist who put me immediately on a six months medical leave. I was destroyed, I had a massive burn out. I had pushed to limits too far beyond repairs as I later found out.

The reason I was fired was that all my colleagues ganged up on me while I was away and stabbed me in the back. They couldn’t face me and fight me while I was there, which made this a golden opportunity for them to get rid of me for good. Some thoughts they would get my position others just couldn’t stand me anymore. It hurt me greatly because they never saw how much I was fighting for them behind the scene to get a better pay for them or a promotion. They totally discounted it.

It is true that when I step back and take a hard look at myself, that I was very difficult to deal with near the end of my career. I had become a brutal and powerful beast without mercy.

Maybe I deserved what I got.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

 

 

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7 thoughts on “Crash Landing.

  1. Keep fighting the fight Lawrence. Another inspiring read. It is amazing see how things can get out of hand with work. I can see sort of see why people are warning me to be careful and not work to much. However i cannot switch my brain off. It is such a difficult thing to do. I just sometimes wish i could take my brain out and just put it to one side for a few hours…….

    Liked by 1 person

      1. I am trying Lawrence. Currently on the on a long week of shifts. I have 2 days left then hopefully i can rest. If “the voice” will let me of course, we both know it may well be not the case. I hope all is well with you?

        Liked by 1 person

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