Hospital Stay! Not For Me. Rather Die.

I went ballistic when I was asked one more time to contemplate the ideas to go into a hospital. I’ve been asked over and over again about it. They know how I feel about it, but they keep pushing.

All my life I fought against going to an institution. Especially within this past decade where my illness has been the most destructive of all times. I refuse to go and will never go.

Don’t get the wrong message here, I am, absolutely not saying that going to a hospital or an institution is a sign of weakness. Quite the contrary, but for me, it is out of the question.

Despite the illness and all of its ramification I rather stay at be at home and fight it, in my environment instead of somewhere else. To make it clear, I am deadly scared of it. I am afraid to let myself go and take the path of least resistance. I am a fighter at heart, on and off the ring. If I don’t have anything to fight for, then I just do not know where I’ll end up. I am petrified.

When I am quiet, on my own, the demons come down and try to sweet talk to me into going to the hospital. They tell me to go that I will be rested and well once I’ll come out. They say this to me because they know very well that I will not come out. My family knows me very well, and they agree with me on this chapter. The demons disguise themselves as angels to show me the “right way.” The angels are quiet and when needed, they know when to ring the warning bell. They know they don’t have much else to do but to keep me in check.

To prove my point and fears. I have just heard recently that one the most famous institution in the French part of Switzerland was just beginning to administer medicine for helping bipolars. Before that, we were just reduced to vegetables. I’ve heard from another bipolar who went once in there and had all the problems in the world to be released. They want us institutionalized because they make money from us, by way of subsidies from the government. We are commercially valuable, so they are not going to let us go that easily.

We are currently in a financial mess, to put it mildly. We’re in it, knee deep, with two teenage boys. I am searching high and low for some job opportunities. We don’t earn enough to live despite my wife working very hard as a teacher in the French national school system and me with my invalidity pension. At the moment we are not making it until the end of the month. It is shameful to see teachers who are pillars of our society being paid the way they are. It is simply disgraceful

How can anyone tell me to go to an institution? To get “better”! at this point and time, when we are dealing with such crap! It is a total nonsense. I need to find a way to generate some income. The “institution” will not provide for my family and me. I have searched so much, for so long, that at times I feel like giving up. When I feel this way, I try to focus on my family, and it gives me the motivation and the strength that I desperately need.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

 

 

39 thoughts on “Hospital Stay! Not For Me. Rather Die.

  1. Touchy subject. I’ve been institutionalized multiple times and would do it again, need be. I was exhausted and came out rested. I do not care for doctors etc but it was necessary for me. I basically went in for med adjustments. My longest stay was a week. I know the system varies across the world. I hope that you are able to find some financial relief sometime soon. That is such a burden of a worry.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I don’t care too much for psychs or psych hospitals. The trouble with psychology and psychiatry is that it is just trial and error. We know very little about the human brain, or mental illness. We might know a little more than we did a decade ago, but they still are really just grasping at straws.

    Most of those that claim they do what is going on in our heads are just floundering around prescribing medication hoping, not knowing, they will help.
    Psychiatric drugs are some of the worst medications in the world, often doing more harm than good. Your example of the hospital in Switzerland is a perfect example. Don’t know what to do with patients, give them some drugs to make them easy to handle, simple.

    Don’t get me wrong, meds have helped out a number of people that I have met over the years. It has taken a long time to get the right drugs, or the correct doses though. (Every person is different. Just because it works for one, it doesn’t mean it will work for all.)
    Some people do really well having a psych, or similar, to talk to.

    Medicine can do wonderful things, yet at the same time completely f**k people up.

    No one ever noticed what I was doing to myself to send me to a hospital and I certainly wasn’t going to put myself into one. I had a close call when I accidentally overdoses on an ex’s mother’s anti-psychotic drugs but I managed to talk the psych that saw me around. I don’t even like going to regular docs for a cold. ~laughs~

    I have my fingers crossed for you Monsieur Lion. I hope something comes up soon to help you out.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thank you so much for your comments Ashes.
      What you say is right one the money.
      The different type of meds that I’m taking right now are working fairly well but they wanted to monitor me, F….d that. The meds will work for how long? Nobody knows, my shrink is very pragmatic about it. He is excellent, one of the best I had. He is fast and doesn’t make me go through the lectures that I already know. The problem that I have with them is this constant need to tell me that I should go to the hospital knowing well enough that I don’t want. This is what makes me really mad.
      Peace and serenity

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I’m happy to hear the meds are working for you Lawrence. Fingers crossed that they continue to work the way that they should.

        I imagine the reason your doctors want to monitor you is because you are a *success* story for them. Putting aside your personal issues for a second, you are doing fairly well bipolar wise. I can understand why you don’t want them to do so, however think about things from their perspective, Monsieur Lion..

        You are not a *vegetable*.

        You are not just *snapping* and going out to murder a heap of people.

        And it is keeping your innate impulses in check.

        These are all things they would be interested in due to psychiatry being so “trial and error” at this current point in time.

        You are a “good thing” in their eyes Lawrence, so let them *poke and prod* as needed. Within reason, of course.

        I don’t advocate letting them commit you to hospital because I personally see nothing wrong with you. However, let them run their tests. You might just help the next generation with your results. 😉

        Some thing to think about Monsieur lion. ~kisses your cheek~

        As always, I have my little mousy fingers crossed for you.

        ~smiles, waves and runs into the darkness~

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Keep going Lawrence, you are doing well. I have been asked a few times whether it would be time for to go into hospital for treatment. For a start i am very much like you in my thinking i would rather be at home fighting. Ok so i am not fighting like i should be but that is just the way things are at the moment……… I truly hope something comes along to help you real soon. Sorry i havent been around much. Had a long long week…………………….

    Liked by 4 people

      1. It might sound stupid to you but have tried meditation. Apparently, mindfulness meditation is the best according to University Hospital of Geneva and it is used there for terminally ill patients. I took close to a year worth of courses and it was great but sometimes very hard to deal with. Crying, stomach aches and so on. It’s very powerful. Think about!

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Sounds interesting Lawrence. I have been told about Yoga too maybe trying that out. Its all about trying to stop “the voice” which jst bugs me 24 hours a day………. I will think about it without a doubt. Thank you my friend.

        Liked by 2 people

      3. No that’s a really helpful tip mate I will look into that without a doubt. Anything to try and rid myself of “the voice”. Evil, manipulating and cold hearted is how i see “the voice” I think at the end of the day i just need to keep my mind as active as i can at the moment until i find the right way to channel my energy. Its a tough one.

        Liked by 2 people

  4. Lawrence, I don’t know what it’s like to be bipolar but I’m certainly not going to ramble on about how things are going to be okay because sometimes they get out of control to a point where the frustration and the anger come together and start to kill you. That’s what happened to me. I was afraid of talking about my depression and anxiety because people would simply call me ‘crazy’ and proceed to tell me that I needed to be admitted to an institution when that really wasn’t the case. Yes, I most definitely needed and still need help with issues such as loneliness and anxiety etc., but not to the point where I need to be institutionalized so I get where you’re coming from. Personally, I feel like the issue is that some people can’t empathize with people with mental health issues. They simply can’t and so, they think the best solution is putting them in an institution. I’m really against that. Yes, I completely understand that mental illness is a sensitive topic and that it needs to be dealt with very carefully but not many people know how to deal with it in the right way. For instance, just because a dog is barking doesn’t mean that it be shut up in a cage and ignored. That dog’s barks need to be heard because it might mean that it is in pain or something of the sort. In the same way, people need to listen to what people with mental health issues have to say because nobody knows them better than themselves. Sorry for the long comment and thank you for your valuable words. This is something I’d been pondering for the past few weeks and I am keen to learn more about this particular topic. Peace, my friend. I will remember you in my prayers 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Dear Mvadi,
      Thank you so much for reading my post and answering me. Bipolar is a strange illness, personally, I spend more time in the depressed mode than the mania or hypomania. Depressions seem to be more or less the same depending on the severity of course. Bipolarity is a constant fight between good and evil. I would like to make it my last battle in life to raise our legal status within society and breaking the stigmas as we go along. We have to take charge of this situation we’re in. I feel that I still have enough energy to go on and fight for all of us but we have to be united within one front to make it. And I’m sure we will.
      Peace and serenity

      Liked by 2 people

      1. I understand that. I’m very happy to hear that you are trying to change the society’s negative notions about bipolarity and getting out of your comfort zone and talking about the shame that goes with it. I salute you for your honesty and bravery – I don’t think it’s easy talking about such issues and bringing them into the spotlight so forthrightly. Indeed, you are a fighter and you will be for a long time! I hope it gets better for everyone. Don’t give up hope though. Even if it seems like it’s not all that well, you’re a born survivor and your words can change the world, even if you can’t see it right now. I really believe that. Keep going, my friend. The world needs more people like you. Peace

        Liked by 2 people

      2. Thank you very much. I am DEEPLY TOUCHED. These are not words in vain. You are confirming me that I’m on the right path. Your words give me strength.
        I hope your depression will get better and that you’re managing as best as you can your anxiety. Remember nothing is forever, even the bad things. Peace and serenity

        Liked by 1 person

      3. You’re very welcome. Thank you for your kind words – My depression and anxiety have both gotten better. Like you, I am going to fight this battle till the end! You’re right, even the bad times shall pass. Peace

        Liked by 2 people

  5. Again I wonder if this is a spiritual thing. You know when people are blind, somehow they are always more attuned in other areas. Watching my friend(also bipolar) who is very spiritually aware, I sometimes wonder if this is simply her cross which she needs to bear. My ex was intimidated by her. He knew she saw through him. I think documenting your experiences like you are doing in your blog is such a positive thing, I am suure you are not alone feeling this way and you may already be helping people.
    I try to find meaning in the things which happen and wasting so much time on a toxic person, has been frustrating for me but it is not a waste if I can help others through what I have learned.

    Liked by 2 people

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