Rage is the feeling that I have very little control over it. According to some research, bipolars are more prone to have incredibly intense rages. Mine are more or less potent depending on the situation at hand; they can range from volcanic to atomic forces.
They have one thing in common is that they are all very violent verbally, as I have an excellent physical self-control, thanks to the martial arts. It doesn’t mean that I don’t throw furniture, plates and more things around. Any subject or action can trigger it. There isn’t any pattern or any topic in particular. It depends on my mood and whether I am tired or not.
But, there is one subject that triggers me, nine times out of ten, is Atheism.
One of these rages happened last night. I managed to trigger myself with this sore subject. We were at the dinner table talking about several teenager topics such as sexuality, races and bi-racial problems (we are a bi-racial and open family). Suddenly somebody mentioned something about “God will provide” and I went ballistic and once the dust settled and the drama wore down, I felt guilty as usual.
But that remark launched this atomic rage for sure. I am sick and tired of these types of a statement such as “God will provide” “One shall ask and will receive” and so on. We are in dire straits, and I don’t see any solution coming from any Gods, anywhere.
You have to realize that I have been an atheist since I was about seven years old when I dared to confront the Pastor and asked him why God could perform all of these miracles and none today. I was referring to TV’s add in the early seventies from the Unicef showing children starving in Africa with their oversized belly bothered by flies due to their poor hygiene. Shocking pictures to broadcast and for children to see. I can still visualize them to this day. Versus us being happy with our families without hunger and medical problems.
That moron of a Pastor dared to say that it was due to the cruelty of humankind as God loves us and wants to protect us. Hence my question, still without any answer from this jerk, which was, if God was so powerful and almighty, created the earth, any living organism including us humans. If he was so powerful why didn’t he do anything to save these sick Africans kids? Please keep in mind this is coming from a seven years old child.They were other many incidents until the day I refuse to go to Protestant school. Despite the threats by my parents and the rest of the family who were hardcore Calvinist, I didn’t go.
Much later, around sixteen years old, they tried to lure me, in vain, to confirm my faith by buying me a gold Rolex. I did not confirm my baptism. And didn’t get the watch either!
To this day some people claim to respect us, Atheist. But when you meet these God-fearing people, you feel the disdain. Like we were brought to earth by Satan or whatever stupidity they can come up with. My wife and three sons are practicing Protestants, I respect their belief and they respect mine.
I have heard and was able to have it confirmed that a South East Asian country sentenced to death without trial to any Atheist. Please Mr. Ricky Gervais, don’t plan a tour there! I’m kidding around with some things (all real by the way). But the truth is that I am hurt and have been hurting for far too long by the Christians and any other religions. I accept and respect all, and I am convinced that the rest of us have a profound respect for any religion as well. The only thing we ask for is reciprocity, and we won’t even pretend to ask for your understanding.
I am going to quote Mr. Ricky Gervais. Not word for word because I don’t remember exactly how he put it but he mentioned something very profound. He said something like this; we Atheist do believe in something, to the contrary of common belief, we believe in life, and the present moment we live. And I will add to this that we don’t believe in life after death, once we are dead, we are dead and nothing more. So if the fact of not believing in a fairy tale after death makes us evil and pariah of society, then be it.
Not too far back, an uncle of mine explained to me the reason, and why I have this illness, it is because I rejected my religion and also because I didn’t become an officer in the army. The latest point is an entirely different chapter, and to this day, I still haven’t figured out why he said that.
In writing this article I have just found out another trigger point for me: injustice. As a very strong emotion went through my mind with anger.
Peace and serenity