First, let me apologize for being quiet for the last couple of days.
I wasn’t able to write anything that would have made sense. I was also barely able to function all.
My anxiety skyrocketed yesterday morning right after when my laptop crashed.
I got into this state which automatically activated a “depressive mode” in my brain, and everything became pitch black.
The above put in motion a “reverse tornado” which brought me down and everything and everybody as well. I was scared, focused on my financial problems made worse by this new one, potential issues, and made up some more that did not exist. I’m still feeling this anxiety in my guts, and the black marble ball is back, pressing on my sternum.
I started to become extremely agitated.
I was utterly incoherent at this point. My actions and speech irritated and aggravated my family badly. They cannot help being affected by it, despite their efforts to keep themselves distant from these incidents.
I voiced, almost hysterically, all my negative thoughts regarding the laptop as I need it desperately. The negativity spilled over for the rest of the day.
At this point, I did not have any filters when I spoke. It was pure venom. I took out my anger on the entire family, especially the children; nobody deserved it at all.
Frantically I decided to look for an old Apple desktop we had up in the attic. During this process, I yelled at whoever wasn’t helping me. I finally managed to dig it out from our overflowing attic. I dusted it off, brought it back into my office. All the chaos that I generated was proven to be in vain as the computer is obsolete.
A typical example of an anxiety rage which yielded only to one outcome; mental damage.
These types of failure lead to even more irrational and potentially dangerous actions depending on the severity of the crises.
So, I refused to accept it and worked all day searching with my phone for ways to fix my laptop and resuscitate the desktop. Nothing worked, I was starting to feel discouraged. I worked on it non stop, on two fronts, didn’t shower, barely ate all day except for dinner.
After dinner, I kept trying without any luck. The extreme tiredness was starting to affect me, and I could barely stay awake at this point and managed to add another layer of worry. Which was how was I going to post blogs now? Am I going to lose my friends? I am just mentioning this to illustrate an example of our ridiculous some of my worries were, but for me they were real, and they hurt me just the same as if they were facts.
Through my expedition to find solutions for my problems, I managed to find one guy who is apparently is very good at fixing Macs. His office is about an hour drive through the winding roads of our mountains. And I decided that I would go to today first thing in the morning. So I did.
My mood and demeanor are not the same as yesterday, and they are better but far from stable. I am still very agitated in public and home, abnormally forceful and extremely irritable.
The Mac guy will take a look at it, and it could be some hardware problem since my laptop is ancient. He seems to know it’s stuff and to be honest. I got good vibes from him. He will let me know tomorrow or Friday, and he doesn’t charge anything for the estimate which entails dismounting the machine. I thought this was pretty cool! The price range is from low to very large, significant as having to buy a new one.
My reaction to these comments was calm and collected when the news were worse than I thought they would be. Strangely enough, I was somewhat ok (about 60%). No rage.
When I go through these emotional rollercoasters, I end up being entirely wiped out, hence no patience, irritability and so on. I bulldozed my family, again for no good reason as nothing has been solved yet.
I know it’s wrong, I have all the tools to be able to deal with it but I can’t. It’s like a volcano going through my body from feet to head. I feel it coming through and erupting through my mouth. It is “stronger than me.” I believe this expression was written for us.
Peace and serenity