“Learn from your mistakes” and “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” Both statements do not apply to me. As I keep making the same mistakes and killing myself slowly in the process.
Let’s take the traumatic incident over my laptop. Traumatic is not an exaggeration as everybody got hurt by it; my wife, the children and me as well. Now the problem is solved and I feel guilty. I know it will stay with me for a while. Every time something like this happens, it makes me weaker and lowers my self-esteem. Why? Because I don’t learn from my mistakes and instead of making me stronger it kills me slowly.I think, through time, I was able to make progress on many problems that bipolarity brought my way but there is still plenty room for improvement.I can’t seem to be able to change the dynamics of some mistakes as they are still recurring.Intellectually I understand the process that brings me to make these mistakes and be self-destructive. But in the heat of the action, everything goes out the window. It usually happens when I am caught off guard by a situation or suddenly some trigger has been activated. Then the logical thinking process is bypassed and my reptilian brain takes over and puts me in a situation like this one. Regardless of all of the above;
I have to be accountable for what I did wrong and own it.
Why? Because, in my view, if we want to be treated as equal with the rest of society we have to obey the same rules. We have to take ownership of what we do whether it is good or bad. If we don’t, we will never integrate as we’ll be judged by a different set of rules. We have to be realistic and pragmatic; in order to break stigmas, we have to stand up and fight against them, we have to make some noise and be heard, draw some attention in the media, like ashleyleia who’s article has been printed in a newspaper. This is exactly what we need. I have few plans in the makings but I’ll let you know when they get closer to completion. We cannot use our illness as a shield when things turn sour. By hiding behind our mental illness we validate the existing stigmas and create new ones. The end result will be a status quo at best. We cannot settle for a status quo. We all want to fight these stigmas as they are debasing and responsible for deaths, see my post (True Facts and Figures About Bipolarity). I was puzzled and confused by some emails that I received after publishing this post (We Deserve An Apology.). To sum them up, they basically told me to give up and accept our situation as nobody or nothing will ever change it. That saddened me because I knew that their comments were genuine and wanted to avoid me from getting hurt. But the clear message was to give up. Well, I won’t give up and if I get hurt by my decision is nobody’s fault but mine. I thank all you who have written to me with their best intentions at heart.
We are a force to be reckoned with, not only bipolars but the rest of the mentally ill society. We are unfortunately at the top of the pyramid as SMDs along with schizophrenia: our illnesses are incurable but not all are like ours. According to the WHO 44% of the population is affected by mental issues during their lives on a rotating basis. Most of them can be treated and cured. The entire community suffers from stigmas, even the less dangerous disorders. The SMDs hover around 4% of the population and we are not a lost cause unless we decide by our nonaction to be one. Take a hard look at history and how many seemingly lost causes where won, simply because of a strong belief and knowing that it was a just and worthwhile cause to fight for due to its injustice. This will be a long, hard war, with battles won and lost in the process but we will prevail because our cause is morally justified. We need to have a leader, doesn’t have to be me, it can be anybody famous or not, an organization who will be able to rally our community in order to have a fighting chance.
Peace and serenity