Since the incident with my computer, I haven’t been the same.
I was doing fine before this fiasco.
Because of it, I renewed ties with an old companion from way back then called Anxiety. The state of anxiety that I was in when the computer crashed was unreal. I had lost all control over this monster. As you know, eventually I gained back some composure and was able to deal with the matter and have the computer fixed. This chain of event is not extraordinary at all for anybody who isn’t sick, but when you are, it is a great accomplishment.
I’m back living with this latent anxiety feeling, which pops up at any opportunity and has changed the way I handle and deal with everything, every day. Few examples: I wake up an hour earlier than usual just to make sure that I’m on time, I live half an hour earlier to pick up the boys from school just in case of a problem, and the list goes on. It is truly unbearable. I know that these reactions are overdone, but if I don’t do it, the anxiety takes over and starts to make me feel overwhelmed and agitated. Therefore, I prefer to do go along with these changes which appease the anxiety and gives me some peace. I prefer to give into it.
The power of my anxiety is out of this world and a real curse. Another compelling example; I was in the process of paying a bill online, and it triggered a massive anxiety attack linked to our disastrous financial situation. I was very close to a panic attack. It took me few hours and a strong dose of medication to recover from this. My day was over. I had nothing left in me. I was entirely depleted.
The only thing that I could do which helped me was to write. I spat out my rage, pain, and venom in my private journal. It helped.
The other things that I want to talk to my psychiatrist about are this extreme rages and deep pains which is new and seems abnormal. One of my favorite shrinks told me that rage comes from deep pain. It makes sense that one comes after the other but what isn’t to me, is to have both at the same time. It worries me as I don’t want to become verbally violent. Also, I am concerned about losing my good disposition and become bitter and cynical. I don’t want to turn into somebody else because of anxiety, rage, and pain. There must be a way to deal with all of this.
I have to tackle these issues quickly as I don’t want to reopen the doors of depression because I will fall back if I don’t do something about it. I cannot carry on living this way. It is, indeed is a living hell when you combine this level of anxiety with the bipolarity issues
Luckily I am going to see my psychiatrist this coming Monday.
Peace and serenity