Every single morning is the same thing.
I can’t get up!
The alarm is on snooze for at least half hour until I find a way to kick myself out of bed. I have no choice as I have to drive my boys to school. We are so isolated that even the school bus doesn’t drive by. I could take them to the village and catch the bus, but it wouldn’t make much sense as the problem isn’t the drive but to get out of bed and be able to function.
Some suggestions were given to me by different healthcare professionals to try to have a regular sleeping cycle which entails going to bed at more or less the same time, have at least eight hours of uninterrupted sleep, and make an effort to wake up at the same time without oversleeping. The goal is to establish a biological rhythm which, in theory, will help with these morning struggles, knowing well enough, that the guilty parties are the strong medications that I take at bedtime, (Seroquel, lithium, Urbanyl for my anxiety and an antidepressant). The pharmacist asked me how I can wake up with all these massive dosages. The answer is discipline and no excuses, which was the moto from my former MMA club.
Somehow I believe that it would be worse if I didn’t try to keep this eight hours cycle. It takes me at least 2 hours to get myself ready and in shape to drive them. I have never failed to do so, and I must say that I am proud of it. But what prompted me to write about this subject is the terrifying experience that I had Monday morning which happened to me on my way to school. The feeling is tough to explain. It was like I was awake but still sleeping with my eyes open. I am aware that it is a lousy explanation or analogy, but it’s the best that I can come up with.
While I was driving down, I slapped my face in an effort to snap out of it but it only latest few minutes and had to do it over and over.
Several times I caught myself drifting towards the mountain or the ravine. Needless to say that I was scared which probably saved us all and we made it safely to their College.
Once I had dropped them off, I went to take a nap in my car downtown near the Church, not for religious purposes but pure convenience, as I couldn’t fight this feeling anymore. I went back on the road feeling a bit better, but I didn’t make it home in one shot, I had to stop again and take another nap. Eventually, I made it.
It was surreal. I wasn’t able to shake this feeling off. The drive is only nine miles long, but it felt like hundreds. Once I had reached home, I went straight to bed for about forty-five minutes and then the feeling was gone for good. In retrospect, I should have kept them home instead of risking their lives but I am so conditioned and such a creature of habits that it didn’t even occur to me to stay home. My wife couldn’t have taken them as she had already left home for work.
Then I dug into my memory and remembered that about four or five years ago, I used to have this reoccurring problem almost daily on long drives, which is the main difference from Monday morning’s incident which was a short one. I don’t believe that they are related as I was under a different treatment back then but there is always a probability that some molecules were similar. Once I even fell asleep and hit the mountainside damaging the SUV heavily, but I have to be thankful since the other option was to fall into the ravine and die. It wasn’t my time…
The lesson that I’ve been reminded is that nothing matters more than the lives of our loved ones as well as other human beings. And that one should not be blinded by the seemingly important “things”. Being five or ten minutes late, to miss a day at work or school isn’t crucial in the big scheme of life. They are small matters if not irrelevant. From now on, I will try to step back and make the right call, when I find myself in an unusual state of mind.
Peace and serenity