This feeling makes me ashamed.

I have this daily reoccurring feeling that bothers me a lot and makes me ashamed. I cannot, or should I say, I don’t have the strength to fight it. I will try my best to describe this issue of mine.

When I am home alone, I miss the presence of my family, their laughter, quarrels, the distant sound of their music playing or the TV. It makes me feel lonely.

When they’re home, they spend most of their time upstairs where the family room and the bedrooms are located. My office, where I spend ninety percent of my time, is downstairs.

For me, the ideal set up is to have them all home but separate from me. When they are upstairs doing whatever they are doing and me alone downstairs, is the ideal situation. The house feels that it has a soul, it warms me up my inside, and I don’t feel alone and feel happy.

My problem is that I don’t know how to interact, to be positive and not ruin their days by a comment out of line or toxic; also I have no patience for anything or anybody.

What we do together is to watch a family movie and the Graham Norton Show.

The only constant in our family is our meals together, where we have sometimes heated debates and quality time. We do argue as well as any regular family would.

When I am with them upstairs, I quickly feel overwhelmed and restless. The movements, talks, and voices resonate in my head rapidly put me out of commission. I do not blame them at all. They are doing nothing unusual. The problem is me not them.

It’s a horrible and contradictory feeling to have. On the one hand, I can’t stand it when they are not home, and on the other, when they are present, I don’t know how to deal with them. This brings lots of tension within the family.

Only recently I am trying to help one of my boys with math and French homework, but I think I confuse him more than I help. This lack of patience angers me a lot as I should be able to deal with it.

They don’t understand my lack of involvement with the family activities. I cannot blame them as I don’t know why I am this way.

It seems like I do not care and that they have no importance but to me. It is entirely the opposite. If it hadn’t been for my family, I would probably be dead by now.  They are my reason to exist, and yet I cannot seem to be able to handle them. I know that this feeling is pushing them further away from me every day. I understand, and yet I can’t act otherwise. I feel so ashamed for not being the father figure and husband that I should be. I do fear that one day the will leave. It is eating me up inside, destroying my family and myself.

I am in pain and I am ashamed

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

19 thoughts on “This feeling makes me ashamed.

  1. Hi. I just had to comment on this piece. I am very much an introvert and I like the scenario that you describe about having your family and not around. I can’t say that I have the same situation as you but I thrive on alone time. Hmmm…

    Your writing is very good. Has your family read any of it? Have you tried spending one on one time with each member of your family? Like quietly together. Take one if your children for a walk. Don’t have to say much. Enjoy nature. Breathe. Sit quietly with your wife. Not in bed… in a coffee shop. Just be. Drink. Watch people. Sometimes you don’t havevto say much to a loved one to say a lot to them.

    Also… encourage a conversation in writing. Fun exercise would be to gift each family member a notebook. Each family member can have a conversation with you via that notebook. Say your child has a question. They’ll write it down in the notebook and give it to you to respond. Good way to keep the French up too. Don’t use electronics to message each other. Handwriting takes time and effort. So do all relationships. 😉

    Take care. Don’t give up! Everything worth an effort takes time. You’ve got time… one foot in front of the other. Baby steps.

    Hugs! 😊

    Liked by 4 people

    1. Thank so much for taking the time to read the post and your valuable comments.
      I will try a few like walking in the forest and the writing. I know that something has to change and it has to come from me. But I have like a mental block.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I also have a very hard time being around my family. I’m glad that I live on my own, and it helps that I have pets to keep me from feeling like I’m completely alone. I know my family try to be supportive, but I still don’t know how to interact with them.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. What you’ve just told me makes me feel so much better as I thought I was just a bad person, I am sorry that you feel the same way as I do but I can hide the fact that it reassured me as a person. Thank you so much for telling me this. You have no idea what it means to me

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Absolutely not. Families are the most complicated relationships because it’s embedded in you that you’re “supposed to love them”. How can you decide that you feel anything negative it uncomfortable about them when there’s already a present for how you should feel. It’s tricky and so, so damn common. Thanks for being open about it. Love it!

        Liked by 4 people

    1. When we decided that I was going to have a blog, the condition was that nobody from the family will read my posts. It would be treated the same way as my visits to the psychiatrist and psychologist. And I think it’s a wise decision as it makes me free to write openly without having to worry about hurting them. Having said that, I will take your suggestion and speak to them about it, I will try to explain as clearly as possible without digressing and being to emotional. Thank you very much for taking the time to read my post and your valuable comments.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. We can all feel lonely even in the most crowded of places. I feel it all the time. A lost soul looking in from the outside even though i may well be with a group of people. Your feelings Lawrence as you can see from the responses are not uncommon. As for your lack of involvement with your family maybe you could try a games night? Once a week get a board game out. Play for an hour or 2 just to try and have that interactive time. Helping with homework can be a stressful thing as both you and your sons feel under pressure. You feel the pressure to help him understand. Your son’s pressure coming from the fact he has been set this task yet is struggling to complete it. That playing on his mind will not help the stress levels. Your stress levels rise because you long for him to understand and to give it his best shot.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for the suggestions. I agree with you on the homework’s front but I have to be there to help. I need to make a conscient effort to control my temper and patience. Your game suggestion is a great one and I’m going to look for some ideas. Thank you again for taking the time to answer. Your help is greatly appreciated, my dear friend.

      Liked by 1 person

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