Everybody keeps telling me the same thing, being my psychiatrist, psychologist, my family or friends. (By the way, when I mention my family it entails my wife and my three children, nobody else.) They all tell me to let it go, forget about the past and stop dreaming. It won’t come back.
But I can’t. I can’t I accept that the past is over and I’ll never have the same lifestyle ever again. It is probably because I miss it so much. I missed the high profile job and lifestyle. Traveling around the world, I am sure that I sound like a snob, but that’s all I knew. It was my world since childhood. I always had a privileged life. All of It was normal for me.
I feel that I have been robbed by my massive breakdown which took away everything. The reality is that I haven’t been robbed, it’s just how life is.
Intellectually I know that I have to let go in order for me to start a new. I am trying very best to accept it, but I can’t help thinking back. It consumes me, saddens me and brings all sort of negative thoughts, feelings which prevent me from moving forward with what I have now which is almost nothing.
I am tired of trying to find a job as I wasn’t able to do so for the past 3 to 4 years. I have sent over a thousand resumes along with letters of motivation answering job offers. Mailed spontaneous offers to several firms without success. I am too old, overqualified or other bogus reasons. I am exhausted. I have asked every single person that I know to see if they had any job for me or if they knew anybody who would. I’ll do anything. I don’t have an ego problem. I want to have a decent standard of living. The answer is always no. I am at a loss. I don’t know what to do next.
To top things off, I have to go and fight with the French administration for my rights which have been taken away for no good reasons. I have to go from one administration to the another. The French system is so complicated that even people working there have trouble understanding it. It’s a real nightmare not too have enough money to live from despite the fact that I am ready and willing to do anything to save ourselves.
I was humiliated by a social worker, last Thursday who made me feel that I was a fake, that there is nothing wrong with me. She didn’t even bother to check my file before the meeting took place. It is straightforward to check my status as everything is computerized, All the medical reports are there along with the decision by the French government to grant me the rights related to my illness.
I feel like giving up but I can’t because of my family. I have to keep on going, but I don’t know where and how anymore?
I am lost and exhausted.