I was sure that I did get rid of a problem of mine but was forced to realize that it wasn’t the case. It is rather disturbing.
It came about when I went to the airport to pick up my daughter who was coming from London. She came to help me out with the boys as my wife went away for a week in Italy.
My daughter told me that she needed a break from work and the city. She may have said that in case I felt guilty, which I don’t. I am extremely thankful that she came as I can’t handle the boys and the rest by myself. I don’t feel ashamed about it as I know my limits and know what I can or cannot do. It ia something uncontrollable as it comes from all my disorders.
I digressed a bit there!
Let’s go back to this renewed feeling. Which is the fear of crowds, for lack of better words. It came up when I enter the arrival hall which was packed with people. It was starting to make me feel claustrophobic and agitated. My aggressivity was on the rise as I can’t stand being touched or bumped by people. I cannot deal with my personal space being invaded. Also, I can’t take the smell of humans whether they are drenched with perfume or not. I just can’t stand being in close quarters with strangers.
I am not fearful of the crowd, but it generates all sort of unwanted negative feelings such as; claustrophobia, anger, and aggressive. I had a cold beer to distract my mind which sort of worked.
This condition seems to be linked with anxiety and is quite a problem to have in life as we often find ourselves in closed in area with strangers. It doesn’t make a difference whether the size of the crowd is big or small what makes a difference is the density.
Let’s take traveling as an example. How do you deal with traveling when you have this problem? The answer is; poorly. At the beginning of my career, I had neither the ranking nor the seniority to fly business class. How do you keep your distance from anyone in an airplane in economy class? You simply can’t. So I tried to turn my back as much as I could from the passenger next to me, avoiding any contact. Once, I was sitting next to a big man who claimed the center armrest as his. It ended up in a fight which was quickly defused by the flight attendants, who responded rapidly and efficiently. Luckily, this had happened before 9/11 and didn’t have any negative legal impact on me.
For me to revisit this feeling seemed like a flashback and reminded me of all the incidents that had happened due to it.
I remember when I was in my late teens when this issue was at its worse. I had asked the doctor why I felt like that. He answered that it was due to my traumatic experience when I was fourteen years old. (If you’d like more details on this, please click on The Dark Side).
After doing a little research on the net, I am relatively convinced that it isn’t due to my teenage problem. Maybe there is a link with my anxiety disorder concerning the claustrophobia, and as far as the anger and aggressive, they don’t seem to fit any disorders, or maybe it is part of my bipolarity. I don’t believe that I have any particular condition regarding this problem, I can’t stand crowds, and that’s all there is to it.
How about you? Do you have something similar? If so, what do you think it is?
Peace and serenity