The pain is out of control and consumes me inside. Rages show their presence as a consequence of the pain.
I cannot deal with this anymore. I am depleted and don’t know where to find my strength or energy back.
I am in too much pain being pulled apart in my daily life. No one should have to be it this financial position when you have the responsibility to provide for your family, especially with teenagers, and don’t have the mean to do so. Despite all the relentless efforts that I have made. I can’t afford to pay for heating oil, car repairs that we desperately need as we are so isolated.
I feel responsible for having put everybody in such a difficult if not impossible situation.
I am standing right in front of hell’s door called depression. All the negative feelings have invaded my mind and body. Usually, the soul comes after body and mind, but I feel that I don’t have any more soul. I am dead inside already. I’m functioning for the sake of functioning. No desire to do anything.The only thing I want to do is crawl into bed and sleep. Hopefully, I won’t wake up, but I won’t be that lucky. I can’t find joy or comfort in anything or anybody, maybe writing on my blog gives me some sort of sanity and contact with the outside world.
I made a promise that I will keep which is that I won’t commit suicide. The only reason I am not doing it is for my family and the trauma that it will cause.
Therefore I prefer to deal with it in silence. But that too I cannot do as I am constantly reminded that things need to be done around the house. I don’t have the strength nor the pleasure to do anything. Maybe it is a good thing that I am constantly solicited. My dog too comes and wakes me up with his cold nose on my face. I believe he senses that something is not right and he is trying to help. He is my faithful friend even though he is a royal pain at times.
Maybe all of what I have been describing as being troublesome has been preventing me from entering the gate of hell, the gate of depression. I had described how It feels to fall into depression in the post: How Does It Feel To Be Depressed?
I believe that I have already crossed those doors. In a distorted way, maybe my violent rages are a saving grace. I manage to keep them secret, by going outside into the woods and scream as loud as I can, or I cry it in my pillows in silence. I try to refrain from showing anything as I want to protect and shield my kids, I don’t want them to witness it. I hope that nothing wrong will come out of these rages when I am in town or at the supermarket. I fear that some idiot will say or do something that will trigger one of these violent rages. I know that if it happens, I will end up in jail as the other guy will find himself at best in the hospital.
How can I be able always to sustain things under control when the pain and rage are so intense?
Peace and serenity