From bad to worse.

There is no better description to define what I am going through, from bad to worse. Yesterday was already bad, and I had hoped that I’d reached to the bottom of this depression. Unfortunately, it isn’t the case; this one is like a steamroller. It is slow and is crushing everything on its way, and nothing seems to be able to stop it.

I feel sick to my stomach, thanks to this marble ball doing a lot of damages. I am shaking and wanting to sleep continuously to forget my sorrow. I am well aware that by doing so doesn’t solve anything and quite to the contrary. I make the matter worse.I have lots of dark thoughts and hope not to wake up.I made a promise and will keep it, and I don’t want to bore you with the same old story again.

Later on today, I’ll have to drive my daughter back to the airport and say another goodbye. Since she has been seven years old, it had always been the same; we reach a point where we have to say goodbye. I have never been good at it, and it has become harder and harder with time. Now it reaches a point of high anxiety, almost like separation anxiety. I know that my daughter suffers as well as it shows when the time comes.

I am sure that my current state makes things worse than they are. But in a way it doesn’t matter if it is exaggerated or not, the point being that I am going through it and it is real.We are very close, and I know that it is taking a toll on her too.

One of my boys wanted to tag along. Initially, I wasn’t thrilled with this idea and would have preferred to be alone and deal with all my problems. Then I looked at it more positively as I would have a companion with me, spending some quality time together, there is much else to do but speak or listen to music in a car for few hours. The other very positive aspect is this, implies that he wants to spend some time with me.In the span of few minutes, I went from not wanting him to come to be very happy to have him as my companion for the journey of roughly 160 km.

We’re scheduled to leave about two and a half hour before take off. I mentioned that it was cutting a bit short with the airline that she’s taking which is easyJet. They do not wait for anybody whether they are check in or not. When they’re ready, they go.

The reason I was mentioning leaving earlier would eliminate any unnecessary stress on everybody, not realizing that the only one who is going to be stressed out is me. If you only how much, I hate myself for being this way.

The positive about this overall situation is that I am putting my depression on the back burner for a while. Giving me suddenly some well needed fresh air.

In a deep hole and I know I will come out of it as I cannot think otherwise. There isn’t an alternative but to come out of it step by step. I am in a great deal of pain and will try to refrain from writing about it anymore. For everybody’s sake.

Thank you all for your support, words of encouragement and empathy. You are the best support system ever.

 

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence

 

19 thoughts on “From bad to worse.

  1. Depression is so tiring! That is sweet and enduring that your son wants to spend quality time with you. I am happy you two will have one on one time. I hope you are able to pull out of your funk soon. I know exactly what is like to be where you are and it is no fun. Hang in there.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I am sorry you are in so much pain right now. It is very difficult. Please always write what you need to write. It will help you and it will help others to know they are not alone. You do not need to apologize for how you feel or what you are writing or what you are going through. Like you said, it is real. Very real. Way too real many times. Keep writing. Your writing is great. That is what this blog is for and you have many followers that you are connecting with. Keep fighting You are going to make it. Hugs, Sue

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so, so very much for your kind words of encouragement and this beautiful compliment regarding my writing. It means so much to me. I give my writing all I’ve got, it may not be the best style but it is mine and real to the core. I’ll make somehow. Big hugs. Lawrence

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Your style is the best style because it is yours and that is how you should write. I believe it is the only way you should write so your writing is authentic. It is your own voice. You awesome Lawrence. You are a strong survivor. Keep fighting and I pray you get better every day. Have a happy, healthy and fabulous night. Hugs, Sue

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thank you so much for your feedback. They are no greater compliments someone can get. When I’ll be better I would like to introduce you to what is my ultimate goal with this blog and mental illness. Thank you I am gonna try to catch some zzzzz now. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

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