All confrontations that I had this week took a severe toll on me. I am down and can’t seem to be able to get back up.
I tried to be brave and strong and face some of my issues, but it took so much out of me. It depleted me. I looked for the silver lining in every situation, but some had none.
Trying to remain positive when dealing with adversity takes too much out of me when I’m depressed. I realized it today as I am out of commission. I put up an act, pretending to be who I am not anymore, fighting and confronting people when I am in no shape or form to do so. If I had decided to keep my limited energy for myself, I would feel guilty and a coward for not dealing with my problems. Also, it brings my anxiety level higher and higher as the “to do list” is unchanged.
It becomes a lose, lose situation, damn if you do and damn if you don’t.
I didn’t expect to have such a hard week. It took me by surprise and threw me off balance until now that I am down.
The people that I interacted with me were and tough to deal with, especially the one for my company. Some of the abrasive exchanges that took place were uncalled for, but like beasts, they probably sensed some sign of weakness and used it against me. Maybe I’m paranoid or too tough on myself, but it is how I feel. I don’t feel strong and confident anymore. I know it is due to my low self-esteem, and it should come back but when? I’ve been feeling like this for ages.
I used to be able to confront and face anybody. It is so hard for me to do now. I still do it even though the price is much higher for me to pay regarding energy and well being.
When I have some strength, I have no other option but to face and confront people and situation(s) or both. Even though I am aware it now, of what it does to me afterward. Nobody else can or is willing to fight my battles. Even the social workers who are supposed to be solution providers and offer a helping hand are not. If the French government wanted to save some money really, it should fire them all as they the most inefficient and useless people. This is not based on one experience. Sorry! I deviated a bit.
While I was in the midst of battling, I didn’t feel too bad if I compare it to today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest, but I was functioning. It seems like once the altercations stopped everything else did as well.
It started this morning when I woke up. I knew right away that I was in the hole. Something amazing that I’d like to share with you. My dog too knew I was depressed. His disposition is totally different when I am in this state, he rests his big head on my lap and stays there to be pet and hangs out with me all the time.
Peace and serenity