I cannot face it anymore.

All confrontations that I had this week took a severe toll on me. I am down and can’t seem to be able to get back up.

I tried to be brave and strong and face some of my issues, but it took so much out of me. It depleted me. I looked for the silver lining in every situation, but some had none.

Trying to remain positive when dealing with adversity takes too much out of me when I’m depressed. I realized it today as I am out of commission. I put up an act, pretending to be who I am not anymore, fighting and confronting people when I am in no shape or form to do so. If I had decided to keep my limited energy for myself, I would feel guilty and a coward for not dealing with my problems. Also, it brings my anxiety level higher and higher as the “to do list” is unchanged.

It becomes a lose, lose situation, damn if you do and damn if you don’t.

I didn’t expect to have such a hard week. It took me by surprise and threw me off balance until now that I am down.

The people that I interacted with me were and tough to deal with, especially the one for my company. Some of the abrasive exchanges that took place were uncalled for, but like beasts, they probably sensed some sign of weakness and used it against me. Maybe I’m paranoid or too tough on myself, but it is how I feel. I don’t feel strong and confident anymore. I know it is due to my low self-esteem, and it should come back but when? I’ve been feeling like this for ages.

I used to be able to confront and face anybody. It is so hard for me to do now. I still do it even though the price is much higher for me to pay regarding energy and well being.

When I have some strength, I have no other option but to face and confront people and situation(s) or both. Even though I am aware it now, of what it does to me afterward. Nobody else can or is willing to fight my battles. Even the social workers who are supposed to be solution providers and offer a helping hand are not. If the French government wanted to save some money really, it should fire them all as they the most inefficient and useless people. This is not based on one experience. Sorry! I deviated a bit.

While I was in the midst of battling, I didn’t feel too bad if I compare it to today. I wasn’t feeling the greatest, but I was functioning. It seems like once the altercations stopped everything else did as well.

It started this morning when I woke up. I knew right away that I was in the hole. Something amazing that I’d like to share with you. My dog too knew I was depressed. His disposition is totally different when I am in this state, he rests his big head on my lap and stays there to be pet and hangs out with me all the time.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

19 thoughts on “I cannot face it anymore.

  1. First of all *hugs*

    Then..umm you know sometimes try to help complicate situation further. In phases like these you hate people even the ones who try to calm you.

    I have been sucked in the pit of depression few weeks back. It must have lasted a month or so and i felt i wont be able to survive.

    But guess what. I did. We all do.

    Some times you just have to wait for the phase to pass.

    When we try to hard to look for the positives it may further frustrate us. Thats what i experienced.

    So if you want you can pamper your self. Go for a massage or something and don’t think alot. Give yourself a little rest.

    I hope it helps.

    We are here..🙂🤗

    Liked by 2 people

    1. It does help a lot. I’m 53 and bipolar 2 with affective disorder rapid cycle and an anxiety disorder and I went through so many ups and downs, as you age you tend to have more downs and intellectually I understand that this one shall pass too but when you’re in it, it’s like the first time. I’m gonna try to take it easy on myself that’s great advice. Thank you so much for caring, means a lot

      Like

      1. I know. Last few years have been difficult for me mentally and emotionally and after everything i came to realise life will throw shit at us it wont stop.
        Sometimes we can dodge it mostly we cant.
        Then last resort us to just let the time pass.

        You are worrying alot. I have been reading your posts. Don’t be too hard on yourself please 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. You’re spot on! You know me already better than I do 🙂 I know I’m too hard on myself and worry constantly and it’s driving me crazy to know that I know that I shouldn’t. I think a lot as to do with the Calvinist upbringing. Actually, I know it is the root of many of my problems as we found out through psychoanalysis. I rejected it to the point of refusing to confirm and became an atheist ever since. It’s the worst form of Christianity.

        Liked by 1 person

      3. I had to look it up. its a branch of protestant Christianity if im not wrong. recently I got to know somebody who was a very devoted protestant Christian followed redeemer’s church. I dont know if both of them are same thing. in short I ended up pitying the poor guy.

        but then I am a muslim and the entire universe (maybe aliens too) think we are the most strict people on the planet.

        I think its about how you are raised and your environment. my parents always put humanity above anything and we were allowed to make mistakes. still nobody is perfect there were some mistakes too which they realized later. well I totally went off topic.

        I wanted to say I know what you are going through as I have been there.

        I wont get into long irrelevant details. I was happy content successful..then I fell and couldn’t get up for years!
        so I looked elsewhere..you cant keep staring into the pit you have to lift your head and engage in something else.

        read it https://stoneronarollercoaster.wordpress.com/2017/05/31/survival-kit-concept/

        I wrote it last year.

        accept the fact that its going to take time and breathe. you are just a human not a machine maybe you are given this chance to re-energize yourself. or re-invent yourself.

        my life reached a dead end literally! it took me 2 3 years to open my eyes and realize its going to take time. since then I am reading, writing, drawing/sketching, started learning guitar. all of this in 1 year.

        and now I feel I am making good use of this time.

        there must be things you always wanted to do but never got time. do them now.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. Hi there,
        Thanks for your message, I really appreciate it.

        I know quite a lot about Islam as I studied the Koran in College as it was a year-long thesis. The subject was at our discretion. I chose to piss off my parents, to be honest, and they were freaking out that I would convert.
        Anyway, I chose Islam and what I found out that it is a beautiful religion with some great rituals and many philosophical themes. I found it far less restrictive than my Calvinist crap. My take on Islam, today, is that since the Koran leaves a lot of room to interpretation, it opens the door to evil people to twist it for their agenda in the name of God.

        I’ve been extremely fortunate to have had a very rich life. My eldest daughter tells all the time that I have lived three lives already. Having said that, if finances permit I would love to do the motorcycle race on the Isle of Man and would like to do my doctorate.

        Thank you again for taking the time and effort to research on my stuff.
        Peace

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Exactly!! its interpretation that has ruined he whole thing.
        honestly you must be having correct knowledge than most of us born muslims as we are just born into it and dont bother to study it. I was told by my elders to keep it simple and dont get into complicated details.

        see.. now you are seeing positives 🙂. you are so lucky to have amazing family with you. and you do have a bucket list to look forward to. May your every wish come true soon. Ameen🙂

        ahah no problem I am psycho who has to read about everything she looks at 😆.

        hope you’re feeling better.
        peace

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Even though this week has been very hard, you got through it, and that’s worth recognizing as an accomplishment. It’s also ok for everything to just stop for the weekend. Trust your dog; animals somehow just know when it comes to things like this.

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I love animals. Honestly Like at my worse Momments all my dog wanted was a Cuddle And I just was so happy to be close to another living creature that would not judge me. XD

    Also I relate with you so hard. In the theater their can be alot of confrontation becuase alot is happening in a 2 hrs to a hour and 45 minute show and Stakes run high. So Arguments and Confrontation Are normal and having to deal with Difficult actors is also Common despite that were on Even ground with them when it comes to our duties. Being Bipolar Does not help, It sucks the energy out of me too but most of all my anger is what i have to hold back. If im doing my best and working hard and Constantly have to confront actors about the way things have to be like placing of props, or waterbottles or not standing near the fog operator since i need to get to it and they might step on it, Not tripping over cords Etc.

    The anger and the Confrontations Hit you hard at the end of the day, and I love what i do but Having to deal with A large group of people all of us who have such different lives and personalities is hard and its okay to give yourself some wiggle room. While no one can ‘make’ you angry they can certainly help it along and get a rise out of , that is where the confrontation comes in.

    Your awesome and I know you are trying your hardest. honestly you do better then me, if i get really pissed i go silent and walk away to give the other mercy. In theater this is more possible since i have a series of tasks i can go do at any given momment 95% of the time. I will come back and talk about it when my temper is down but Any diccusion when im that angry turns a confrontation into a more disturbing attack session that inst Approaite in backstage theater. Good Job! your doing really good, I hate confrontations But as Humans we run into them eventually.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. your welcome! 🙂 Im always happy with how transparent you are, it’s really nice to know someone else handles things with great effort, sometimes I feel all alone but not with everyone’s posts on here.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Thanks for the compliment. I’ve made a promise to myself to be transparent and truthful. I pledge that I would spend the last portion of my life to better the situation for mentally ill people, legally, socially and economically. We are beautiful people but the common folks are blind or chose not to see our talents, intellect and so much more. They are afraid of us because we are a threat. Peace

        Like

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