Self-Destruction.

I haven’t posted anything for the past few days as I am dealing with majors problems that are aggravating my depression. And potentially destroying more of my life. It is my fault as “you create the life that you have,” as per my former psychiatrist’s quote.

I want to make one thing very clear that I take full ownership of the wrongdoing that I’ve done consciously and unconsciously.

What I have done recently is the same thing that I’ve done in the past by creating a self-destructive situation without being aware it. These episodes have always been linked with hypomania, not depression (according to me) as I come across just fine and arrogant. This self-destructive process is a mystery to me. I was able to extract some common denominators which are fears and lack of self-esteem, and I am sure they are other negative feelings involved, but I have not been able to identify them yet.

What I have noticed when they both start to take too much importance in my daily thought process, I start to become passively aggressive. Unwillingly and unknown to me the self-destructive process begins. It is only, afterward that I discover what has been done and I realize the damages caused. Most harms cannot be undone, and I am carrying on destroying my family, my friends, my life.

Even with all my experiences, I can’t stop myself when I get into this mode. I don’t notice it. It is like I am possessed, that some forces have taken control of me and me my actions and I honestly don’t see what is happening. The illness blinds me.

I sure hope that I will stop with this self-destruction or I will end up alone then dead.

I am afraid that this incurable illness of mine, bipolar 2 with an affective disorder, is so powerful and continually evolving, that it will remain a mystery for a very long time. I realized through the blogging community that so many of you have gone through the same destructive phases being powerless and ending paying the price for it. Don’t get me wrong I am holding myself responsible for my actions despite my illness. I pay the price, I always did.

I am quite happy that I have a shorter life expectancy, 10 to 30 years less than the regular population, as I made a promise not to commit suicide. I hope that I’ll be closer to the 30 mark.  I have no desire to live anymore. I don’t find any pleasure in life, only problems. I can’t recall the last time I really laughed. I am sick and tired of being always depressed, and I fully know that I am about to reach new lows in the next few days. This is not a life, broke, depressed and no semblance of future.

Instead of getting better with time it seems to get worse. I didn’t improve my life and my family’s life. I have made it worse year after year, and it’s not stopping. A good friend of mine once told, “if you think about it, it can always get worse.” I reflected on this statement, and he is correct, as scary as it looks it is true.

One last point. I finally accepted that I could not play in the big league anymore. I don’t have the strength and the mind for it. I am a much iller than I wanted to believe. I am worried sick about my family’s future.

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence

 

 

 

Advertisements

7 thoughts on “Self-Destruction.

  1. While we all experience and deal with things differently, so I cannot in truth know exactly what you are going through, I do understand. Let me echo SocialWorkerAngela’s thoughts… this world is better with you in it.

    Be safe and know that there are still those who care and feel for you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lawrence, I know it is bleak now, but it will pass. I have been living with a near constant desire to not exist for most of my adult life… Something that alarms many but I can honestly say I have found peace with. It’s just a storm inside that never ends. And like any storm, it can be tough to handle if you embark right into it, unprepared and/or unaware. But it becomes less of a threat of you observe it from the outside, entering only when necessary of possible and/or preparing the tools (I/we here in the community can be one of those tools…) you need to find your way back out should you find yourself within. You can actually find beauty on the swirling vortex, the implications and the questions and possibilities that come from the center.

    Anyway, just my perspective. We love you Lawrence. I am incredibly grateful to have you as a friend and am there for you as much as I can be.

    Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s