I cannot stand myself anymore.

I don’t know how to deal with myself, and I can’t stand it.

I have all the tools gathered since 1992 when I first started to be followed by a psychiatrist and never stopped going for therapies after that.

Recently, through our community I received a multitude of great advice, words of encouragement, positive comments from people who know what it is to battle with disorders, for this, I am so grateful.

I understand the advice and comments, they all make total sense to me and yet I don’t apply them.

I hate myself as well. I have to admit it. I hate myself for the condition we are in. I hate myself for not being able to generate an income to live from. I hate myself for being so impatient, I hate myself for being aggressive and filled with hatred, I hate myself for not listening and act on the advice given to me.

I don’t know how to break all this cycle or frame of mind that I am in, especially now that I am falling deeper into depression. I don’t think that it is the depression that is generating this state of mind as I was already feeling this way before this relapse. The fact of being even more depressed doesn’t help to rectify this problem.

I don’t know how to be gentle and kind to myself, don’t even mention loving myself, all of it seems impossible, I just can’t do it. I always put myself under pressure for finding a solution to our family’s problems.

My mind wants to break the negativity cycle so badly, but my brain doesn’t want to. I am constantly fighting with this, and it is exhausting. I know for sure that negativity breeds failure and yet I don’t stop it. Is it still this self-destructive problem blocking it?

In all this, there is one big positive note which is the fact that I am finally accepting it and verbalize it. This could be the pivotal point. By sharing all of this with you is already releasing some of the constant pressure that I feel on my chest. Maybe with this post, I will be able to unlock and allow myself to reverse this vicious spiral.

I need to be positive and develop an inner peace despite all the problems we are facing. What is striking me clearly as I write, is that the negativity and self-hatred don’t work.

I need to change to get us out of this hole, and I have to be patient. I have to accept and realize that it won’t happen overnight since I have been in this horrible state of mind for months and I can’t, realistically, expect to have a meaningful positive change in a short time. I have to be patient which is probably my biggest weakness and challenge.

I am going to try to find one good thing about me or good deed that I have done daily. Maybe it is a good approach, despite the fact that it doesn’t really work with my “To Do List.” But this is a totally different matter, and I believe it is within my reach.

Now that you all know me a bit better, what do you think about it? Does it make sense?

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

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23 thoughts on “I cannot stand myself anymore.

  1. You are so right. Developing inner peace is what all of us with a chronic illness need to do, but it is such a big task when we see so many obstacles in our way. But, I believe it can be done with disciple and persistence……….both which also take an internal commitment but we are worth it.
    Thank you for bravery in sharing your life.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I struggle daily to force myself to eat to help in my recovery. Yet the anorexic voice tells me things are fine! Clearly they are not I have hardly any energy to make it through the day, I am constantly battling with my head my body is raw to the core with hunger yet all I hear is that I will get my fat face back if I eat the slightest thing or deviate from the routine I have encased myself in. God knows how I do my job on my feet all day. I hate myself too, yet I have to try and stay positive on the outside whilst inside all I want to do is breakdown, scream, shout, cry. My mind is so strong the battle is tough. Hang in there Lawrence.

    Peace and love

    Liked by 1 person

    1. My dear friend, I can feel the pain through your words. I am here at all time if you need to vent, share or whatever. My mind is strong too but has been damaged a lot recently but I’ll hang tough and you do same please Peace my brother.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. I can relate to this blog almost on a daily. My Dr told me to me write one thing I love about myself everyday. This is not an easy task. I find more bad than good when looking in the mirror. Struggling to love yourself is very difficult when you cause so much damage, that’s what I feel like for me.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I think positive change is always going to be a gradual journey that requires learning a lot of different things from a lot of different sources before things finally start to click. There’s a book I’ve been intending to read called The Reality Slap by Russ Harris that you may find interesting. There’s info about it here: https://thehappinesstrap.com/upimages/The_Reality_Slap_-_Introduction_&_Chapters_1_and_2.pdf

    Liked by 1 person

  5. You are already ahead of so many people by having such a high level of awareness, I must say.
    The guy I just broke up with…his negatively cycle is so strong that I really fear for him these days. He is so fixed in the mindset that he must suffer, and even actively wants to suffer. You don’t seem to be like this.
    Even if you can’t stand yourself, know that many of us out here can stand you and really appreciate your posts!

    Liked by 2 people

  6. Having read this and read it again. I see so many similarities in the way our brains work. I am have the same feelings when it comes to sorting my ED. I need to eat more my mind and body knows that yet my brain will not let me. Such a nightmare.

    Liked by 1 person

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