Guilt.

As you have probably noticed, I am trying to put some order in my head and address all the negative feelings and emotions that tend to rule me.

It is like a spring cleaning of unwanted and destructive stimulus that reside in my mind for far too long.

I am trying to analyze myself as objectively as possible. I am so sick and tired, and these emotions are taking over my daily life and prohibit me from being who I am. I guessed they have been accumulated throughout my life and only recently, through reading the blogs of real people experiences, positive and negative, which gave me the initiative to do so for myself. It is, of course, impossible to be one hundred percent objective when you talk about yourself but I think I was able, in the past couple of post, to be as impartial as someone can be when engaging in such exercise.

Another negative and destructive feelings that I have is guilt.

I feel guilty about everything under the sun. Everything that is happening is my fault. Lousy judgment of character as I was conned by a childhood friend about seven years ago of a very large amount of money (large for me), another wrong choice with another childhood friend in the retail business where I was supposed to be his partner and ended up being his employee and abused verbally on many occasions, where I lost some money as well but nothing like the other investment in a so-called startup, which leads me to believe that I was conned from get go, but I don’t have any proof.

Since of late I have become a bit paranoiac, a feeling that I dislike tremendously and wish to get rid of immediately as I don’t want to start seeing evil in everybody as well as feeling persecuted.

I feel guilty to have invested too much money in the renovation of my late mother’s house where we currently live and have made it far too luxurious.

I feel guilty about my current project of being a freelance English teacher. Freelance not by choice but a necessity as nobody wanted to hire me since my experience in teaching is limited.

I feel guilty that it isn’t taking off fast enough. I have and had few students, but it barely pays for the running cost of the company.

I feel guilty about that too, and maybe I shouldn’t have created a company which required an initial investment.

I feel guilty for being such a poor handyman, I am so lousy at it, and it is costing money that we need and could save if I were better at it.

I am sure that I have other guilty feelings, but these are the main one.

All of the emotions bring me down, make me second guess myself all time, it is hard to believe that I was a trader and made instant and right decisions for most of my career of nineteen years. I would not have lasted so long if I were bad at it. And now I am broke and frozen every time I have to decide on a matter requiring money. I became useless at this too.

This guilt that is living inside me is destroying as much as the other negative emotions mentioned in the previous posts. I have to get rid of it, as quickly as possible but have no plan and no clue on how to do it.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

4 thoughts on “Guilt.

  1. Welcome to my world .. however, I tentatively say, my OLD world. I understand, completely. What I hated most, was the feeling of hating everyone and feeling like a victim and being crap at everything, and being scared of everything … and, and, and. I’m guessing you understand. However, and there is a however, there is a way out and it sounds like you’re on the path. Acknowledging it is the first and then acting on it. The only advice I can give (if I may?) is that the more you achieve the faster these feelings disappear. I’ve found that the more I do little things that I’ve not done before, the confidence grows and I feel mega. I’ve also got rid of any friends (so called friends) who made me feel bad about myself. I’ve stopped focusing on the dreaded social media and the nonsense that people post about their beautiful selfies, lives, holidays, children, achievements etc etc. What you don’t read about is their husbands affair, the children’s tantrums and expulsion from the latest school due to a drugs test.
    Little challenges, baby steps and grow in confidence. I was at a huge low and couldn’t even make a phone call without hyperventilating so I had a long way to go. I’ve just gone scuba diving so I’ve come mega miles. Keep me posted, you can get it of this hole, you just need to find the right ladder that works for you. Katie x

    Liked by 1 person

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