I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t do this anymore.

I can’t pretend that everything is fine and act as if life is nicely following its course. Putting a constant acting show in public is exhausting. I am sick and tired of it and won’t do it anymore. People are not going to hear what they want to hear but will hear the truth about the current situation, my depression, our financial disaster and so on. They will hear about the living hell that we are going through the past few years which is now at its climax.

This is taking a toll on everybody who is living under this roof. Not only that it is hard globally, but it is also especially difficult to deal with the financial constraints and having to live with a sick person who is often more toxic than anything else. I often think that they would be better off without me. But the medical corps disagree with my last statement.

Today is not a good day at all. This depression is gaining strength. All the demons are at work generating dark and negative thoughts. My anxiety level is extremely high. I can’t calm myself down. Everything is an issue, and I am worried sick about our future. I am aware that worrying doesn’t bring anything positive to the table and doesn’t solve a single thing. Unfortunately for me, I can’t stop or even tame it. There seems to be no future as I am facing significant problems. I cannot think of anything positive.

The cold marble ball in putting so much pressure on my sternum that I feel extremely nauseous. The depression is starting to affect my body, not only with nausea but feeling extremely weak and tired. I already took the maximum dosage of medication that I can take daily, but it still hasn’t changed anything. I don’t know what to do differently to get out of this horrific position. Maybe I’ll get something positive,  some good news, a sign of hope. But I don’t believe I will. I have probably a better chance to win the lottery.

I am stuck in this rut and can’t seem to get out of it. I truly am at a loss. I desperately need something positive to hang on to. I feel that I am getting worse and not better. It’s more than a feeling it is the reality. I am sick and tired of suffering so much all the time. It is a never-ending story of pain, destruction, and despair.

What is my purpose? It seems that all I can do is damage and suffering. I am hanging on by a thread. I, sure, hope that something changes for the better because I ran out of positive alternatives.

I hope that sharing my intimate feelings and situation as a depressed individual in the midst of one depressive episode will shed some light and help understand others on how it may feel.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

 

38 thoughts on “I can’t do this anymore.

  1. When I am at a peak with my different moods and I feel like the meds isn’t doing anything, I smoke weed. It helps a lot with my anxiety by calming me down and it helps me to be able to slowly change my mood to a positive one. I know a lot of people are against weed but when we were desperate (my husband and I) he got that and I still use till today when needed. Sending positive vibes your way. Hang in there.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Lawrence, I just want to take a moment to say that this post is an accurate depiction of the effects of depression and various mental issues all around the world. Thank you for bringing this up and being candid about how you feel. I feel like it takes a lot of strength to put yourself out there and write about something that you are not particularly fond of. I just wanted to thank you for being so open and honest. Just please know that you have a family who loves you and a group of people right here in the WordPress Community who care about you and wish you well. I don’t think there’s anything better than knowing that you’re not alone and trust me, we all go through this at some point in our lives. After my parents got divorced, I cried every single day and I also became a burden on my family because my anger issues started to get out of control. I have to say that it’s gotten much better over the years but sometimes I feel like my parents really don’t deserve such a depressed and insolent teenager like me… I feel like I’m a burden on them because of my issues and I have a habit of spreading negative energy wherever I go and I’m trying to be more positive but it just isn’t working out for me. I hated how

    Liked by 4 people

  3. (Sorry I accidentally sent that!) … I had to put up this front of happiness when I was rotting on the inside. I hated how people treated me like I was weird and I absolutely hated how things turned out for me. I can completely understand where you’re coming from but please understand that there are people who love you and need you. It isn’t that obvious sometimes and it isn’t even that easy but it’s true. And sometimes, it’s okay to not be okay. Peace, my friend.

    Liked by 4 people

  4. Crying a little here as I read your blog. I’ve been there. Those thoughts that what’s the point and everyone would be better without me… I’ve been there. Can you get outside maybe? That always helps me. Or maybe, and this will sound weird, I listen to guided meditations. I pick a topic, be happy, for depression, whatever and listen to the meditation, even if I can’t fully participate. Hugs.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. The pain is strong and getting stronger, I’m falling deeper and into a bad depression and trying to hang on. Thank you so much for your ever strong support. I will contact you, if the need arises but I don’t want to bother you. Thank you my friend

      Liked by 1 person

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