Despite all my efforts, I cannot help it but slide deeper into the darkness of depression, and the pains are starting to become physical as well. The anxiety’s demons are winning to battle versus the angels of light.
I panic for everything and forget or misunderstand what is asked of me.
A prime example happened late this morning when I was scheduled to pick up my eldest and bring him to the hospital. I left the house to go to pick him up, I was right on schedule until I reached the roadblock. Then panic struck as I didn’t know how to reach his school via another route. I thought that they must have posted an alternate way higher up from where we live since nothing was indicated. So, I drove back up towards my village, and sure enough, at the first intersection, I saw the signs for the temporary road to follow. Again panic struck as I realized that I will be late to pick him up and that we wouldn’t be able to make it to the doctor’s appointment. I had no way to reach him as his phone is out of order. I got so angry that I was screaming in the car and striking the steering wheel to release some tension which worked. I called the doctor’s office, and they were very understanding about the situation. It took me fifty minutes to an hour to reach his school and hospital, but he was able to attend his appointment. A classic incident of how a very basic simple hick up can generate so much chaos and panic. These small incidents happen frequently and are exacerbated by the bipolarity, and I feel wiped you out by the end of the day, if not before.
This explains why I haven’t posted as many articles as usually do and I apologize for it.
I have been continuously sleeping and have to drag myself out of bed, which I do, but with great difficulties. I live with this constant fear of the future, what will happen? How are we going to be able to live? How will my family stand it? I can’t concentrate on the present and start to regroup and rebuild. I don’t feel I have the strength anymore. I am exhausted, and yet I can’t give up, but for how long?
I honestly wished I could see my doctor but my next scheduled appointment in on May 23rd. I can’t ask when to see him or ask him if we could set an earlier date as is he is overbooked, and it is a free service given by the Government. I am starting to lose hope, and it is troubling me a great deal that all these nasty feelings are coming back to haunt me.
I started again to meditate to see if it can help me at this point and time, I will try to spend more time outdoors to see if it can change my overall disposition.
Peace and serenity