It didn’t work.

I am looking forward to seeing my doctor on May 23rd as we need to re-evaluate my treatment. To be chronically depressed by design to prevent going into a hypomanic phase made sense. But now I believe that we are on the wrong tracks. This approach was suggested by my doctor to keep me slightly depressed, to prevent the spike up generated by hypomania to get out of control and to find myself in full-blown hypomania. I agreed with the treatment suggested, but now, I feel it is time to change.

Just a bit of information for the reader who isn’t too familiar with mania and hypomania. You have several schools of thoughts on this chapter, and the tendency is to attribute mania to bipolar I and hypomania to bipolar II.

Just a bit of information for the reader who isn’t too familiar with mania and hypomania. You have several schools of thoughts on this chapter, and the tendency is to attribute mania to bipolar I and hypomania to bipolar II. What I will write are not my opinions on the subjects, but rather a compilation of opinions and the one written seem to prevail:

  • Manias do more damage than hypomanias.
  • Manias are more severe than hypomanias.
  • You are more likely to be hospitalized with mania as you potentially become dangerous to yourself and/or surrounding.
  • Hypomanias tend to boost your creativity and efficiency, they also affect your mood as you can become aggressive, agitated and bombarded with thoughts.

Again this is a summary of opinions. I don’t agree with all the assessments.

It seems to me that I am battling depression all the time, except for the very few good days last week, when I felt neutral and happy and free to do and think as I pleased. I can honestly say that I wasn’t in a hypomanic episode as none of the usual symptoms were there. I was feeling good. The feeling was more of normalcy than anything else.

But now I am back, again, in the darkness of depression, ridden with anxiety and negative thoughts and scenarios continually running in loops in my mind. I am oversleeping and lacking energy and don’t feel like doing anything.

As I mentioned above, I will see my doctor soon and will request a change in the treatment as I don’t want to feel like this all the time. I am sick and tired of being negative, in the dark. I want to write about positive thoughts and experiences. I want to be in the sunlight. I deserve it. I’ve been rotting in the dampness of depression for far too long.

This modus operandi results are more depressed than a neutral state of mind. It was a good idea but it is leading me to nowhere, and in my case, keeping me depressed. At this point, I’d rather take the risk to be in a hypomanic mode and deal with the consequences, where I cannot do much damage due to my financial situation and the adverse effects of such actions but at least I’ll get a chance to be happy and positive for a while.

I don’t want to live this way anymore. This has to stop now. I am at the end of the rope.

Peace and serenity

Lawrence

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27 thoughts on “It didn’t work.

  1. Your doctor’s approach sounds a bit odd and certainly not patient-centered. I can get being reluctant to use antidepressants because a) in general they don’t tend to work that well in bipolar depression and b) they can trigger hypomania, but there’s no reason not to be more aggressive with mood stabilizing meds to target the depression.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. You’re right on the money with your assessment. I was told about the oddity of going for a treatment like this and being a bit unconventional and was game to try it. I had many different treatments in the past and never had one of this nature, therefore I was ok with it. But now we have to change for sure as it is destroying me slowly. Let’s move on and try something better suited. Thanks a lot for your input as I will stress your point about the mood stabilizer. This is valuable feedback, thanks

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have started recovering by saying that last statement Lawrence. You will find the light. Focus on what is important now and that is getting better and living the life you want to live. One step at a time no matter how small they are, they are all leading the right direction. I am with you my brother…..
    Peace and Love

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Look i have been with somebody who was bipolar+narcissistic +psycopath. and i know what do u mean when u talk about ur stuff. I really appreciate that u choose the lighter side and are attempting to heal 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Lawrence, nothing seems to work for me when I’m in a depressive mood either so I get where you’re coming from. Do what you feel is necessary for your health. I’m tired of being depressed most of the time and I want to be positive but I can’t seem to do it. It really is a struggle but please hang in there. We’re both in dark places but I believe that we can get pull ourselves out of them. And that’s something that only we can do that for ourselves, nobody else. Take care 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

      1. Yes. Thank you for your concern. I’m feeling slightly better because I’m choosing to be happy. My mood seems to fluctuate but things seem to be getting better. I hope they get better for you too and we will definitely make it through this.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Ugh. So frustrating! In theory I can sort of understand that plan but I don’t agree with it. Are we just supposed to settle for the lesser of 2 evils now because we are ill? I don’t think so. It is tough finding what works. The fact that it can take years really leaves some feeling hopeless too. Man oh man, I feel for you! I refuse to give up hope for myself. I may never find what works for me but I will always try.

    Liked by 1 person

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