As I am sick and tired of being in this state of mind, always negative, living in fear and still feeling tired that I decided to take action and increase my medicine. I currently increase my antidepressant drug as well as one of the anxiety drug. I am not touching the lithium and the Seroquel as I’m a bit wary of these two.
I am well aware that I’ve written many times, not to change or stop your medication unless you speak to your doctor regardless of your state. But now I had enough of this. I want to live, otherwise, mind as well die. Quite frankly If I were to die in my sleep tonight I would be pleased. I would be done with suffering and battling every single minute of my life. What life is that anyway?
I want to talk about The Exit option (assisted suicide) offered in Switzerland for incurable illness, but I am too afraid to tell my family and hurt them. I still want to fight for them, but I don’t know for what!
I don’t have the patience or the luxury to wait for the doctor’s appointment. I want to take myself out of this mess before the 23rd comes around. Like I wrote yesterday I am at the end of the rope, I’ve got to do something.
I’m trying and fighting the illness with all I’ve got; meditation, medication, physical exercise, good sleeping cycles, proper diet with maybe a bit too much scotch whiskey.
I am not afraid of dying. I welcome it if I have to remain alive in these conditions, I need to have a decent way and means of living. This is unbearable. I feel shackled by my non-employment. I am financially imprisoned. It is intolerable.
Let me give you an example, today the vacuum cleaner gave way, and we don’t have the money for a new one, we barely have enough for food and how am I going to deal with the broken car. When is this all going to end?
I know I am ranting and raving, but it needs to come out, and I apologize for it, but you are the only support system that works besides the fact that it is very therapeutic for me to write my most profound feelings of joy, sadness, rages, and worries. I know you are there for me as I try my best to be there for you.
It is a post of sorrow and despair, but I needed to vent.
I am sorry.
Peace and serenity