I have been sleeping for two days in a row now with an occasional hour or so out of bed where I manage to barely write two poems when I am used to writing one poem and regular post daily.
I have to accept that there is so much I can fight; being my illness, life problems, and unexpected roadblocks. I am utterly exhausted and out of commission. I am forcing myself to write this post to give you some updates, and it might take me out of this horrible state of mind for a while.
It has become so bad that this morning I received a telephone call from my psychologist who was wondering and worried as to why didn’t I show up. I am usually punctual and do not miss an appointment unless I call earlier to cancel it. This was a living proof that I am out of it for sure.
My condition is bad. The depression has taken over and cannot fight it. I don’t have the strength anymore, and this is the reason why I sleep non stop. Hopefully, it is to regain some strength and be back to a level where I can operate more or less normally.
Even though I am asleep, the demons aren’t, and they disrupt my sleep with nightmares and guilt me over my nonaction which fills me up with anxiety. Even when you are down for the count, these evil creatures manage to come an aggravate it.
As I mentioned, I am at a point of extreme exhaustion and have no other options but to give into it. I hate it. I feel that I have lost my battle, that I’ve failed. I know that I shouldn’t feel this way but I, honestly, can’t help it.
Maybe the final straw was my broken down car, and we still have no news about it. This has a significant impact on my anxiety for two reasons: one, the fear of the unknown, when will we have two cars again as it is a handicap for us where we live and second is the repair costs.
The last thing I need is to be left hanging and waiting for a phone call. This is driving me out of my mind. I know I should take it easy as there is nothing that I can do. And it is precisely the last point that is the biggest issue, that fact that I cannot do anything about it.
I would like to clarify something about depression to the general public. We bipolars, can be in the midst of a depression and still have these ups and downs due to our illness but we remain depressed, the depression is still active and doing its damages versus what I can hear regular people saying “I’m feeling depressed today” which is misleading. Having down days “having the blues” is normal, and the feeling doesn’t last for months (if it does, please see a doctor). It annoys me when I hear about it as they don’t know how being depressed means for the majority of them.
Peace and serenity