It has been a week now that I was prescribed this new medicine to pull me out of this deep depression.
This new drug doesn’t seem to work at all, they warned me that I might be more anxious than usual for the next ten days and not to be afraid to use the anti-anxiety medicine as needed, even more than prescribed, as the spikes could be violent. After seven days I can state with confidence that the anxiety isn’t the problem as I find myself exhausted continuously and had slept six days out of seven. I couldn’t take myself out of bed, I tried to stay awake but in vain. This, coupled with the fact that it makes me slur which happened to be embarrassing as it occurred while I was trying to lend a new mandate. Hopefully, this won’t break the deal but sounding drunk at 10 am doesn’t give the best impression.
All this lengthy introduction was necessary for what I want to say. To cut it short; what put me in the hole was the rat race. Always more, always better. This had been the same pattern throughout my career in finance not only for me but others as well. This constant urge to be the best, to have the biggest paycheck and so on. All of it was based on numbers, statistics. On how much income did you generate for the firm which was directly linked to your salary. I worked with money to make more money, in trading stocks and bonds based on statistics and current figures. I am not complaining as I am naturally drawn to numbers and love statistics. So you may ask yourself, “What is he complaining about, what’s his point?”
Initially, I started my blog with the idea to monetize it once my stats would allow it. To me it was a win, win situation as I could work from home, on my schedule on a subject that I love and make a decent income out of it. I didn’t have high expectations, to begin with; therefore I thought my targets were realistic. While working on the blog and did some research and found out that it takes a tremendous amount of traffic daily as well as visitors which I will probably never reach. I, also, found that the amount of money that one can generate is a bit of a black box, I don’t understand the methodology. But the most important is that I came to realize that I was falling back into that trap by continually looking at my figures, wanting more traffic and to get more, at my level, you have to write, produce more.
I got involved with blogging for the wrong reason, but I am so glad and lucky to have found this fantastic community online.
Since I have read what is required to be able to generate a decent income from blogging, I had two option: 1. I stop because I’ll never reach these numbers and 2. I am carrying on with the blog as it does so much good to me and others, and from that perspective, it is far above my expectations.
I am referring this post as the rat race because I found myself going down the same lane as when I was working in finance by constantly looking at my stats and writing more or less to keep the pace, to keep the numbers increasing. I had created my rat race based on so many few who made it big time and forgetting what is important: the pleasure of writing quality posts for the community and the good that it does to me. The fact of being six days out of seven out of commission and seeing my figures collapse made me realize the above which I wanted to share with you.
Peace and serenity