Am I alone to be always unhappy and to feel that I haven’t done enough. I don’t second guess my decision on work or other activities, but I always think that I should do more, better, quicker and so on.
I had written a post many moons ago about making up a list of things to do and tackle one problem per day to reduce these guilty feelings of procrastination. I do practice it, and it works quite well, but the issues lie where I don’t give myself credit for it and cannot help to think and feel that I could have done more or been more efficient.
I can’t do any good in my own eyes.
I have this dark cloud over my head of unhappiness where it shouldn’t be. I possess more or less all the tools available to try to change this, but they don’t work because I don’t allow them to do so.
I am so fed up and annoyed with myself. I don’t know how to change this dynamic. I had an idea in mind which was to go and spend three months in a Buddist monastery to try to unlock or break this vicious cycle, but it is a dream as I don’t have the means for it.
Even though I am atheist, I find much comfort in Buddism.
I have always been an extremely competitive person, and for the past five years, the only opponent that I had to compete with is me. In my mind, I need to win. Therefore I can only lose or fail since I fight against myself.
A prime example is today; after a few weeks, I finally landed a contract to teach English as a foreign language. I will work as a freelance teacher via a French firm. The contract size is decent considering that it is my first one with this firm and the paycheck isn’t bad at all. Am I happy about it? No, because deeply, I want more, always more, it is truly sickening.
When will I ever be happy with myself, when will I stop with this vicious cycle? I wish I knew the answers to these questions.
I try to remain positive even though I got rejected for a job that I had applied for. I keep on fighting. I applied for another position in another prestigious firm, all I can do is hope for the best. I, honestly, have no other choice but to keep on fighting.
Being depressed isn’t helping matters, but the new medicine seems to be okay for now. I am always cautious with medication, I like to wait for a good twenty days before being convinced by it.
This job searching process which is a never-ending story took a toll on me, there is so much rejection a person can take. I’m exhausted by it and wish to end this chapter which looks more like a book.
Peace and serenity