Am I alone with this?

Am I alone to be always unhappy and to feel that I haven’t done enough. I don’t second guess my decision on work or other activities, but I always think that I should do more, better, quicker and so on.

I had written a post many moons ago about making up a list of things to do and tackle one problem per day to reduce these guilty feelings of procrastination. I do practice it, and it works quite well, but the issues lie where I don’t give myself credit for it and cannot help to think and feel that I could have done more or been more efficient.

I can’t do any good in my own eyes.

I have this dark cloud over my head of unhappiness where it shouldn’t be. I possess more or less all the tools available to try to change this, but they don’t work because I don’t allow them to do so.

I am so fed up and annoyed with myself. I don’t know how to change this dynamic. I had an idea in mind which was to go and spend three months in a Buddist monastery to try to unlock or break this vicious cycle, but it is a dream as I don’t have the means for it.

Even though I am atheist, I find much comfort in Buddism.

I have always been an extremely competitive person, and for the past five years, the only opponent that I had to compete with is me. In my mind, I need to win. Therefore I can only lose or fail since I fight against myself.

A prime example is today; after a few weeks, I finally landed a contract to teach English as a foreign language. I will work as a freelance teacher via a French firm. The contract size is decent considering that it is my first one with this firm and the paycheck isn’t bad at all. Am I happy about it? No, because deeply, I want more, always more, it is truly sickening.

When will I ever be happy with myself, when will I stop with this vicious cycle? I wish I knew the answers to these questions.

I try to remain positive even though I got rejected for a job that I had applied for. I keep on fighting. I applied for another position in another prestigious firm, all I can do is hope for the best. I, honestly, have no other choice but to keep on fighting.

Being depressed isn’t helping matters, but the new medicine seems to be okay for now. I am always cautious with medication, I like to wait for a good twenty days before being convinced by it.

This job searching process which is a never-ending story took a toll on me, there is so much rejection a person can take. I’m exhausted by it and wish to end this chapter which looks more like a book.

 

Peace and serenity

 

Lawrence

 

 

 

19 thoughts on “Am I alone with this?

  1. Some self-love is important yes. I think a couple of months in a monastery isn’t a bad idea. You do what is best for you. I have the same I look over the horizon always.
    Hope you enjoy the job. You do what you can, Lawrence. Let some wings carry you through the days. Always believing. It doesn’t matter on what kind of way. Be mindful. Peace,

    Liked by 3 people

  2. Lawrence, I think most of us have thoughts that we coulda/shoulda/woulda done more. I think your depression may have elevated these thoughts for you–but in this case, you are not alone in feeling that there is always more to do. GEN Robert E. Lee once said that No one can do more than their duty and no one should do less. You have probably done your duty… 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  3. I know that pain but it has stopped for me. I gave life the best and it kept on disappointing me..in fact everyday a new bad news is thrown my way.
    But guess what. I regret nothing. Because i gave my best. Could you go back and do something else?? I dont think so. We all do our best. We all fight and try if it doesnt work out its not our fault then.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. I hope that somehow you’re able to find some of the answers you seek. Buddhism seems like an interesting direction to take, even if it’s not to the extent of going to live in a monastery.

    Like

  5. Lawrence, your thoughts are quite common ones. At least, that is what my counselor tells me. Do you do any therapy? Cognitive Behavior Therapy needs to go hand in hand with any medication you might be on.
    I am also working on my negative thinking. My counselor suggested I take some time to say, “What did/do I love about today?” Then, I am to ask, “Why?” until reaching core reasons and emotions.
    Following the feeling through with a series of “why”‘s will form positive mental pathways instead of my ever-present negative cloud.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. I agree with Chelsea. CBT is the way forward to go hand in hand. I have been trying to get this therapy for a number of months now but lack of resources in my health service have not been able to get me an appointment with anyone. I have tried the private route too but all my inquiries so far have been fruitless. The search continues. Keep going my brother things will turn around not just for you , not just for me, but for all of us……..

    Liked by 1 person

  7. I have just received this morning another rejection regarding a job that was tailor-made for me. I am so sick and tired, I can’t catch a break. Once somebody told once you pass 50 it’s all over, I guess he was right. Thank you for your kind words, they made me feel better, especially this morning.

    Like

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